Updates and OC Spray

Well, I may have misspoke on the previous post in regards to pain. Let's just say that I would rather get Tasered again before getting sprayed again. Taser= 5 Seconds and you are done. OC Spray= About 30 minutes of pain. And then again when you shower.

Let's see what else I have done while in training (this is going to take a while):
August 20: We toured the detention center, got our IDs made, and got a whole lot of manuals. The other guy is already certified from a local agency. He's really nice and I like him.

August 21: We toured HQ; got SWORN IN (it was cheesy, but I LOVED IT!); a long lunch at a very nice restaurant with MKJ; went to Logistics to start to order and get fitted for uniforms and gear; and went to the county court house to sign the log book (to say we are available for court).

August 22: The other guy in training and I get along great. We are both punctual and get things done fast. On this day, we went to aviation for a little briefing; ticket control for a little orientation; long lunch; went to victim's advocate office for a short orientation; and then a short little tour around communications (where dispatch is located).

August 23: DUM DUM DUM....Firearm Qualification. Now, don't be scared, but I didn't qualify the first time. I guess I was nervous. The other guy is a firearms instructor. He is great. Such pressure. After a long lunch (imagine that), we went to K-9. We followed the officers out to the middle of no where--we got out of the car and he said, "Ok, you have 10 minutes. Run". Excuse me? Yeah, we ran. Opposite directions. For about 10 minutes. All of a sudden you hear people coming through the woods. Though I knew I was safe, I could imagine someone hearing that could be scared. It was the bloodhounds and the handlers. It was so cool. Then we put one of the officers in the "bite suit" and made him start running in a field then let loose a K-9 to attack him. Again, so cool.

August 24: We went to the Police Academy graduation in Columbia. Pretty much because they had nothing else to do with us!

August 27: I had to again, sit through the Report Writing talk by the training Deputy. There is a different guy that is now training with me. The one from last week is on the road now with his FTI (Field Training Instructor) since he was already certified. This new guy…his nickname is “asshole”. I dislike him. He is straight from the Marines. He was an MP. Nothing wrong with any of this, but he is just a cocky SOB. People have told me that sometimes guys straight out of the military don’t necessarily make the best cops. We’ll see. He has the marksmanship and the physical stuff down. He admits to the academic part of the academy that is going to be a problem. Great…that’s about 90% of it! After lunch, we were done for the day.

August 28: I was assigned to do a Ride-Along with the West district. I rode with a great deputy. She has been with the agency for about 14 years. We got along great. We did not get into too much stuff that day. It was still fun. The only call we really had was for a man being a disturbance in front of an office. The deputy was searching him and then realized he had shit his pants shortly before. We both freaked out because we both smelled him at the same time. It stayed with us all day. Yummy!

August 29: I was assigned to the Courthouse downtown for the day. I thought it was going to be boring. I was pleasantly surprised. It wasn’t totally boring. There were a few good cases. I met a lot of people and it was pretty cool to be able to see the behind the scenes of it all. That is such an easy job. Monday through Friday. 9 to 5. Only overtime if you want it. ONLY. Jeez.

August 30: DUM DUM DUM. Again. Firearms Qualifications. This time, I PASSED!!!! MKJ and I practiced some the previous week. On Monday, Asshole and I went shooting. Just because I don’t like him doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t take him up on shooting. He was also a firearms instructor in the Marines. It’s good to get different perspectives when practicing shooting.

August 31: This Ride Along was with North District. This is notoriously the most active district…at night. Not during the middle of the day. The bad kids are in school. And the dealers are sleeping from being up all night selling drugs. Awesome. We did some general calls…nothing too interesting. At all. But this officer was great too. He is also an FTI (as was the deputy from West). I learned that when he does talk, listen. When he does talk, it is something worth listening to. I found out the next day during the shift briefing, someone was talking shit about me. Well, a friend of MKJ’s works on that shift and he stood up for me. The officer I rode with the day before also stood up for me. He said I have something many of the officers out there don’t have: common sense. It was nice to hear.

Sept 4: Myself and the other two guys that are going to the academy with me went to register in Columbia. Once we got back to Charleston, we were done for the day. Nice.

Sept 5: I did another Ride Along with the North Division. I rode with the same deputy as well. We had a call for a disturbance at someone's house. When we got there, it ended up being a domestic call. We found the boyfriend that had hit this girl (she had a bleeding cut above her eye). He wanted to run so bad! We arrested him and he ended up having a warrant for his arrest anyway. After looking at his rap sheet, it was apparent that we were dealing with someone with violent tendencies. Well that would have been nice to know when we approached him!

Sept 6: I rode with West Division again. Same deputy. We had to go to court for a hearing she had. We did a few other things, but mainly writing speeding tickets.

Sept 7: Aviation again. But this time, instead of just listening to them, I got to fly! Three times! And the last time, it was amazing--he let me fly the helicopter! I got some great pictures. It was so great. It's amazing seeing the city from that view. We went by MKJ's department and he was outside waiving at me! We went everywhere!

Sept 10: We did some more shooting at the range. I have already qualified so it was just some more practice. That afternoon, we got Tasered (see post about the pain). Not a good time. That really hurt. The longest 5 seconds ever. What a ride!

Sept 11: I sat in Communications (Dispatch) for some of the morning. I go to listen to the 911 calls. They were actually really interesting. Some of the things that people call in for are insane! That afternoon, we got sprayed with OC (really hardcore pepperspray). Again, pain. Let me just say, I would rather get Tasered again than OC sprayed again. The pain lasted for over 30 minutes. WAY over. And when I got in the shower when I got home, it all happened again. MKJ worried when he walked in the door to my place and heard me yelling from the shower. Ha.

Sept 12: I was in Warrants all day yesterday. I was with a deputy that knows MKJ really well. We had such a good time. We picked up someone from the city that had a warrant. Booked him. We had a guy from Hanahan that had a warrant. Booked him. We served a woman in the jail. Crackhead. Good times. We ran into an attorney he works with a lot and the attorney bought us lunch. It was a great day!

Sept 13: TODAY: I was in CID (Criminal Investigation Division) all morning. It was pretty boring. One of the investigators was about to interview a suspect and bring me in on it, but I had planned on leaving at about noon. I did. And went to have lunch with MKJ and my best friend on the other side of town. Now, we are going shooting in a little while. Then going to a movie. Then spending the night at his house. I don't have to be at training until about 9. It's my last day there.

I GO TO THE ACADEMY THIS WEEKEND!!!

I have to admit I am really nervous. Terrified of failure. I am not much of a runner, but they can't fail me for that. Thank goodness. I so many people pulling for me, so it is that much more pressure. Nervous. Excited. Anxious (a lot). Happy.

I'll add more of my feelings tomorrow maybe. I have a lot to get together this weekend!

Wish me luck!

OUCH!

I know I have been slack on writing, but I have been very busy in training.

Let me just say this...no matter what they say...

TASERS HURT!!!

Of course it was optional...but I could not wuss out!!

I will catch everything else up soon!

First REAL Day

Friday was my official first day as a deputy sheriff. I had to sit through orientation. It was for all new County employees. Of course, like all firsts (first day of school, new job, first date, etc), I was a little nervous. All of that vanished when I opened the door. I saw a friend of mine from college. We had met my first year. He was an RA on the first floor of my dorm. I lived on the second floor. We had a biology class and a calculus class together. He helped me with biology and I helped him with calculus. He became a good friend that year. We lost contact for a little while after my junior year. It was just so good to see him though. We ended up going to have lunch together that day to catch up. It was nice to have a friendly face in that crowd.

Something did bother me during orientation though. The first thing we all did was stand up and say our name and what department we were working for. It was like AA (yes, I have been to an AA meeting-It was for a class, thanks!). My name is _______. And I work in the Sheriff's Office as a deputy sheriff. Well, two other people were also deputies. I should add they were both male. And already certified. Well, during one of our little breaks, one came over and introduced himself to the other male deputy. They chatted for the entire break. I was standing less than a yard away and they IGNORED me. Wow. Thanks for the warm welcome. Can't wait to become as asshole like you guys!

After working out that evening, I suddenly got really down in the dumps. It was strange. I knew I should have been on cloud nine, but I just wasn't there at all. I told MKJ as I went into the gym that I wasn't in a good mood. And it had something to do with not having anyone to share my excitement with (he was working that night). His response is as follows (in 9 text messages):

"Let me put this in perspective. You are now employed by the premier LE agency in the area."
"Everything you worked towards is bearing fruit."
"Some of the busiest weeks of your life are fast approaching."
"This is the time to relax and prepare."
"You should be high as a kite right now."
"If you feel you need to go out call _______, _________, or _______." (mutual friends)
"But don't bitch, because they're are people that would kill for the euphoria you should be feeling right now."
"Practice with that holster, dry-fire with weak and strong hand, finish your questions...and smile! This is what you've fought for!"
"I wonder if I am more excited than you are."

I love him.

I have taken this weekend slow. Still worked out everyday. Still ate well. Still got out and got some sun. Now, I am cleaning because my mother is coming into town tomorrow night--my swearing in is Tuesday morning. My brother may come to.

My best friend called last night and we talked for a while. MKJ knew I was upset about her not knowing/caring about me getting sworn in. I was there bright and early for hers--the day after college graduation! Hungover, but happy. Like a good boyfriend, MKJ texted her to tell her about it. I am glad he did. It means a lot that she be there. She has been there since I realized I wanted to do this in the first place.

Well, I need to work on my questions/dry-fire/clean/contemplate life. Have a good week!

Policy and Procedure

I finally got in touch with the training Sgt for the Sheriff's Office. I had to pick up the Sheriff's Office Policy and Procedure Manual from him. Only when I got there (to the jail--the book, my car and now my apartment all smells like it) was I told how this works:

For each of the 120 policy and procedures, I have to make up 2 questions and then answer them. Each policy is about 7-9 pages front and back. This doesn't seem too hard, but then when the policy is about inspections or about dress code, its tough to find something I can ask a question about. I mean, I can bullshit it all, but I really want to make an effort. Yeah, I want to look good.

This binder (the manual) is huge too. And damnit it still smells like the jail. For anyone that has been in jail (for punishment or for booking a prisoner) you understand the smell a jail has. It smells like steel, piss, and BO. And anger. And aggression. And stupidity. No, I can't tell you what those last three specifically smell like, but there is a smell. Ha. It's gross. Even the clothes I wore there smelled like it. And I didn't even go into the actual jail behind the monitored steel doors--just to the training department. I don't know how those people do it.

Well, I have this week off of work. Last Thursday was my last day at the insurance brokerage house. It was fun while I was there. In a previous post I said "good riddance" about leaving, but that isn't how I really feel. It was more of the fact that I was getting antsy about leaving. I knew what was ahead so I was excited. Anyways, this week has been surprisingly busy. Every morning, I get up at 6. At the gym by about 8:30. Back by about 10. Work on the above policy and procedure manual. Lay out. Work on it again. Then back to the gym in the afternoon (or evening). Make dinner and then work on the policy and procedure manual again. I stay busy.

Tomorrow I have a follow up appointment for my colonoscopy--which, by the way, it's tough to decide which is worse: making sure you don't have a condition or knowing you were passed out and raped for the rest of your life. Ha. Kidding. The doctor gave me PLENTY of medicine to make me pass out. I would wake up during the procedure and ask what something was and before he could answer, I would be passed out again. He did tell me, once I was more coherent, that he did not see any signs of Crohn's disease or anything else that concerned him. He did say he biopsied a few things but nothing serious. WHOO HOO! That is definitely good news.

I am getting excited and anxious about Friday. It is all day orientation for all county employees. Probably be boring. Know it will be boring. Tuesday is what I am looking forward to--getting sworn in! My mother is coming into town for it. MKJ and his mother (maybe) will be there. Very exciting!

Sorry for not being more up to date. I'll try harder...I promise!

Cops and Colons (lots of asses going on!)

Since MKJ is a police officer, I ride with him sometimes. It's a nice way to spend some time with him when I would otherwise not see him for three days in a row. Last night, I rode with him from about 7 PM until 6 AM. We had a good time. His agency is small and they were jokingly complaining about his penmanship on his tickets making it difficult to formulate and arrange the court docket. So, since I was riding and I need to learn to write tickets anyway, he made me write all of his warning and state tickets. We arrested some kid and he made me do the booking report too. By the time we got back from the jail, it was almost time to leave--well, we didn't want to get into anything that would require going back to the jail or producing more paperwork. We got home as the sun was rising. Then we make breakfast (bacon, egg omelettes, and English muffins--YUM!) and went to sleep for a little while. He has to work tonight, so he will be sleeping more today. I am home now. Just drinking water, ginger ale, and some vanilla pudding...

Raise your hand if you are excited about getting a colonoscopy!?!Fasting all day! Sleeping and doing nothing.







Just thought I would share! HA.

Doctors and Family

Well, the doctor’s appointment went well. Really well. I am on a Prednisone Pack for 6 days. Then I will be put on Humira. FOR-EV-ER (you have to have seen The Sandlot to get that one). Probably not forever, but for a while. It’s a self inject able which is convenient.

Back at the gym everyday. No matter what. At least 30 minutes of cardio and then some weights. I work out with Kate twice a week--one of those days includes her spin class. It’s crunch time. I know I need to start running, but I am going to wait a few more days for that. I am not putting it off, but I just want to make sure my cardio is up for it. Heaven forbid I hurt something. I can’t handle that. Don’t have time.

____________________

I was thinking about family today. In particular, my family. I listen to women talk about how close they are with their mother and how wonderful their relationship is. I am not jealous so much as I am intrigued. My mother and I get along, don’t get me wrong, but not like that. Not in the “let me call her as soon as I hear some good news” or “I need to talk something out and ooo, I’ll call my mom since she is good at listening”. Those thoughts do not come through my mind…and if they do, I call CRR, my future stepmother.

It’s never been a secret that my brother is my mother’s favorite child. I know you say that mother’s can have favorites--well you have never met mine. I have to give her credit that she did stay by my side while I was in the hospital. And it was wonderful. It truly was. We haven’t spent any time together since then, but it could have been a turning point in our relationship. Nonetheless, my father has tried to compensate for this fact ever since I was a child. He paid extra attention to me--we would drive up to go see Duke basketball games on a school night, go to dinner, let me “help” during the rec basketball games, and just stuff like that. My dad is the father who would LOVE taking us to elementary and middle school events (or Skateland) just to hear us--and get to experience that part of life again through our lives. It was obviously unappreciated then, but now, I can’t tell him enough how good of a dad he was to me growing up. Again, don’t get me wrong, he is still there at EVERY SINGLE phone call. Every tear. Every fear. Every triumph. Every disappointment. He’s always there for me. Someone told me that now, my dad isn’t worried about me meeting the wrong guys, but instead, worried about me meeting the right now. Worried--why? He thinks he will lose me. He never could. I’m his little girl. Now my mother…

…She loves me in a way that I don’t understand or see as clearly. I think that now she believes and maybe sees that I am maturing--whatever that means--and she could easily lose her place. She wants to be friends or something of the sort. When I call her with the “good news” or just to chat, she is all mine for about 2 minutes. Then she is scatterbrained. Preoccupied. Vacant. It’s no use to talk to her on the phone. Sometimes, I just don’t understand her. I just hope I do not do the same to my daughter one day.


On my career:
My father is worried. Not worried. Maybe just concerned. Again, I am just his little girl in a pink ballerina outfit prancing through the house on Christmas morning in his eyes. He knows me. He of course is going to be concerned, but he knows that I have a good head on my shoulders and can judge a situation quickly and accurately. He'll ask about my day but will not want to know what happened.

My mother on the other hand is wide ass open about it. She is all about it. I guess she has seen one too many COPS shows. She just wants to stories every night. She is concerned maybe, but not like my father. She is concerned in ways I can't explain. I guess for both of them, neither one saw this coming!

She did say one thing that has stuck with me: "I have always taught you to run away from danger and here you are wanting to run into it."

Spinning and Crying.

Spin class was great yesterday. I have only done it one other time and I liked it then too. Kate was the instructor and she really knows how to get your blood pressure going and her music is just great. I could go on and on about it. I do have to admit that as great as it was, I had to stop about 40 minutes into it. My ankles were killing me...they were practically black. I just can't chance an injury right now. Speaking of injuries...my butt is killing me from class. Some people get those special shorts or a special seat cover, but I don't know if I am that dedicated. I guess it couldn't hurt since I can barely sit/move/cuugh/breathe without being reminded of spin class last night.

My father and I spoke last night. He has little faith...in me. Or my disease. Or treatment. Whatever his doubt, he made me upset on the phone. We talked about my treatment options. One has the possibility of more side effects and takes longer in the initial stages but it starts working faster (which we need). The other one is self injecting but it could be up to 4 weeks before I see any change (time of which I do not have). He actually asked if I could push back my academy date--NO! I could lose my spot with the Sheriff's Office. MKJ and I talked later. He knew my dad upset me. He asked if I thought I could just tough it out up at the academy--soaking and wrapping my ankles every night on top of studying for each week's test. I said yes. He said he thought I could too.

We just have to make sure my doctors know the magnitude of all of this. I have to be able to give them 110% starting August 17th. I will have another month after before I go to the academy. I will be on the streets as early as the week of the 20th--so I need to be able to wear boots and with the way my ankles are at the end of the day, it is hard to see that happening. Today, I am trying to let my ankles get a little swollen so I can take a picture for my doctor to see. He doesn't see them at the end of the day...my appointments are always in the morning. He has no idea of the pain I go through. He even said it himself that the spots on my ankles are rare to see. He thinks he knows, but he has no idea!

It's almost 10:30, thank goodness. That means I am just that much closer to getting out of here for the day. I have to go to the DMV to get an updated driving record for the Sheriff's Office and pick up some paperwork for my physical on Friday (both are aparently a little outdated). Good thing our DMV lines are shorter now.

HAVE A GREAT DAY!

Things went well at the doctor's office. He said that I would start my drugs this coming Wednesday...the first day of the rest of my life. MKJ is going with me so I can make sure all the information is understood. I know there will be a lot of it.

My ankles hurt so much. It's from the Crohn's. Hopefully, once I start with the drug treatment it will go away. It has to. I have to be in top shape to start the academy. I need to be in top shape to start at the Sheriff's Office. They will qualify me with my gun, get me in uniform and put me on the street as soon as possible. I need to be able to run, walk, and stand in boots all day long. It kills my ankles in those boots.
____________________

This weekend was great. MKJ and I spent it on IOP, as usual. We went to see a concert Friday night at the Windjammer. We went on the boat Saturday with another couple and of course it was the worst weather ever. It rained just about the whole time. It was not sunny one bit! OH well. That night, we went out downtown to see some friends of ours. It was great to see them. Sunday, we went to brunch at the Harbour Club and his mother joined us. As usual, I drank one too many Mimosas and took a nap that afternoon.

Wednesday starts my drugs. Friday is my physical (again) for the Sheriff's Office. Next Monday is my Colonoscopy--Don't be jealous!! The 9th is my last day at work...GOOD RIDDANCE. Just getting antsy about leaving. I know what awaits and it is killing me not to be there already.

I am working out still. It's tough since I have a "complex" now...with the bump that was created from the surgery. Kate, my trainer, said it won't go away. I am hoping some of it will as I lose weight. It has to go away some. I mean, its just soooooo ugly. I feel so fat and ugly sometimes. My pants don't fit right anymore because of it. It looks like I have a inner-tube around my stomach, a small one though. But still, I know it is going to look horrible in my uniform. I know how high they come up on my waist and there is no way to hide it. I just feel ugly with it. I know I sound all vain and silly, but I feel good until I glance down and see it there...MKJ still tells me I am him "pretty girl". Without him, I don't know what my mental state would be. I mean, he is awesome. Like I said before, Kate has helped so much too. She knows EXACTLY how I feel in regards to all of this. She has been there. She has gone through it. MKJ listens to me, but she helps in a different way. Love you Kate !!

Have a great day! Time for spin class with Kate! KICKING MY BUTT!

The Gym and a Follow-up Appointment

Today was my first day back with my trainer at the gym. It felt good. She had a C-Section so her incision and mine are the same. She knows my limitations but she also is fully aware of my goals. She knows what I have to accomplish at the academy. It’s nice to have someone to push me but know my limits.

I ran for the first time since surgery. Granted, it was for only 5 minutes, but still, I have to start somewhere. I also was on the elliptical for 30 minutes. And back on the treadmill for another 15 minutes. Not too bad. Then the trainer and I did weights. Again, it just felt SO good.

It really motivates me after a work out. I WANT to eat good. I WANT to do it again. I WANT to be able to sweat like that the next day. I WANT to be able to run again. I love it.

________________________________
I have a follow up appointment tomorrow morning. At first, I thought I had to be put asleep and them put some scope down my throat. Well, I talked to one of the nurses and I was informed that all I had to do was drink a formula (while there, not the day before like a colonoscopy). I asked the nurse if I needed to bring someone with me to drive. He said no. And I asked him if he was sure. He said yes.

Ok. Great! No anesthesia! I told MKJ via text message:

To him: The guy said it was just drinking some solution and then taking pictures. Just like when I was in the ER.
Him: So it is not endoscopy…no tubes down the throat.
To him: I know that now. Bt that is what I thought it was originally.
Him: Gotcha…I would like to go to the eye doctor. (He was saying something about needing to go soon.)
Me: Then do it. (Can you tell I was a little agitated?)

It picked up later in the afternoon:
Him: May stay here tonight…what are we doing tomorrow? (He was referring to accompanying me to my appointment.)
Me: Figured you would. Dinner. (Dinner was the answer for what we are doing tomorrow.)
Him: No on dinner, but yes on plans tomorrow and leaving from your house. (He has to go out of town early Wednesday.)
Me: I meant dinner tomorrow.
Him: I’ll call you in a bit.

I think he knows I am pissed. All of a sudden, as soon as he knows I don’t have to be put under, he thinks he doesn’t have to go. Well, actually, he doesn’t HAVE to go. But I continually get nervous going to those things. I mean, it could be bad news. It could be good news. I guess I just want someone to share it with. I have a feeling that the conversation will go like this, “No, you don’t have to go with me tomorrow. It’s ok.” “OK, I won’t.” UGH! Oh well.

I guess I just need to put on my big girl panties on and deal with it. I can do that. Already over it and it hasn’t even happened.

Pearl

Ok, something completely not related to police work except laughing...




And

my FAVORITE:


Have a good laugh!

Agility Test

I have thought a lot about this today and I know I can do it. Without a doubt. Here is the course.
I am not as worried about it. I have done it before. I know what to expect.

The window is a lot shallower than it looks. I promise. Though that guy doesn't look winded, he is. It's physically demanding. It's a killer!!

After all, if this guy can pass a police agility test, then I can too.

Work hard, play hard. THE REWARD IS GREAT!!!

Most Current--we are now up to date--

I have some self esteem problems right now.

The scar from my surgery makes it look like I have a big stomach. I am self conscience around MKJ. VERY. Around friends. Around everyone. I look bad in pants--really bad. It looks like I have an inner tube around me. After talking to Kate tonight about it (since she had the same incision) it is unlikely I will lose it. AWESOME. FANTASTIC. At least my skirts and dresses camouflage it a little.

Feeling this bad about things makes me want to go work out all day long. Any free time I have…like right now. Instead of sitting here, I SHOULD be workout out. Doing something to better myself.

I am so stressed about the academy. There's the secret--I don't have my badge yet, but I am starting on August 17, will be going to the police academy September 17 and will be graduating from there November 16.

I am stressed about shooting--less and less each time we go shoot though. I feel like I am getting better each time. I am stressed about getting back in shape. I am scared SHITLESS about not making the obstacle course the first day at the academy. I failed it once before I got it last time. I know they give us another chance if we don’t make it in the time allotted, but I don’t want to be that girl that doesn’t make it.

I was short with MKJ on the phone earlier. I texted him and apologized for being short with him. I said, “Sorry I am being short with you. I have little confidence and I hate it.” His, oh so eloquent and positive response was, “Get the FUCK over it. You got hired by the best agency in area because you can do it. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and fucking do it.” I know he is trying to be positive. And help. But he isn’t. I need the finesse right now. Not the power. I need him to support me a little more. I really want us to start doing things together--like walking in the afternoons. Hell, I don’t know…something. Anything. It’s always easier with someone else. When I say I am doing this for him, he says for me to do it for myself. Well duh, I am, but I can’t see it that way. I have to see it that I am doing it to make someone else happy. That’s just how I work. How I function.

This is the conversation we just had:

Me: thanks for the confidence.
Me: i need us to start doing stuff together though. seriously. no matter how tired we (ok, you) are.
Me: Even walking.
Me: I need more than a kick in the ass from you.
Me: I need to SEE that you are supportive.
HIM: you are your own goddamned worst enemy
Me: I know.
Me: I know.

He’s right. I hate it, but he’s right. I am my own worst enemy. I do feel sorry for myself sometimes. When I think about how I compare to all the others going to the academy or at least the ones I saw at CCSO, I fail in comparison. Apparently, from what I have been told, when I get there, I will realize that I’ll be just fine, after seeing the people that pass the academy.

I still freak out.

Friendship (again)

DO I NEED A BEST FRIEND? Do I need a best GIRL friend? Yes. No. I mean, you spend so much time with your significant other that they end up becoming your best friend, which is great... Very true. MKJ is my best friend. I guess I never really realized it. I talk to him everyday. We WANT to talk to each other every day. We share everything with each other: work, home life, problems, everything. But still, I want and most importantly, NEED female friends. So many girls my age are still into the whole party scene so much more than I am. I just don’t like that anymore. I would rather have a few people over for dinner. Or go to do something in town. Anything. I just don’t want outings to be centered around drinking and getting drunk. So few girls my age are as settled as I am, which is not a lot to say some days.

__________

My best friend called me about noon to find out what time and where I wanted to go for dinner. Whatever. Someplace fast and easy. I found out she did go out Friday night instead of dinner with me. Even more upset now. I need to do something to find female friends. I need real, true friends. My self-esteem can’t get any lower right now. Sure, I have MKJ and he does so much for me, but it just isn’t the same.

I need to find something that will introduce me to females that could be true friends. Obviously my current job won’t help me find anyone. CCSO has few females and honestly, they are usually more harsh on other females than the guys are. That doesn’t help. I need to do something. I hate this. I am not even thinking about who will be in my wedding…screw that. I am thinking about who wants to be my friend.

Am I that bad of a person? Not a good friend? Do I not bend over backwards for those I care about? Is me at all? Or that people I choose to be friends with? So many questions, but ha, how ironic, no female friends to talk to this about. I can’t talk to my mother or step mother…they are exactly that: mothers. They will give me the sugar coated version saying I am such a good person and I deserve better. Blah blah blah. That’s not what I need to hear. Or want to hear.

MKJ said I need to re-evaluate our friendship. Well, that is apparent after this. Sure, we have tickets to a local concert. Who is to say that when I give them to her, she won’t turn around get someone else to go instead. Wouldn’t surprise me, honestly, which sucks.

I feel like we are breaking up. I hate this. It’s a three year friendship that is about to be ended. It hurts more than the end of any relationship.

Surgery, Love, and Friendship

This one is from June 23rd:

June 23, 2007

Let me start by saying that I know it has been a while since I have written, but I actually have good reason this time. Friday, June 1st, I wasn’t feeling great. I was having this cramping pain in my right lower part of my stomach. The boyfriend and I went to dinner with a couple that are friends of his that night but I didn’t eat anything. Saturday morning, he begged me to go to the doctor to check it out. We were imagining it could be anything from just bad constipation (as though you wanted to know!)to eptopic pregnancy (we were thinking of EVERYTHING!) and everything in between. I went to MUSC Family Practice (as usual) and thank goodness they were open on Saturday for a little while. The doctor gave me a pelvic exam to rule that out. And then he got another doctor in and he said the symptoms seem like an appendicitis. Ok. He said he was going to call ahead to the ER and I would go over there to get a CT scan done to make sure that is what it was.

So there I was sitting in my ER room, with a blanket and thank goodness for the book I brought drinking some gross stuff mixed with apple juice. The wonderful boyfriend, MKJ, came by after I was done with the scan and awaiting the results. One of the surgeons came in and said that it was not appendicitis but there was some inflammation in my intestine and appendix area. He wanted to do laparoscopic surgery and keep me overnight. Ok. I had been in touch with my parents all day about what was going on. This was about 4 PM. I called them and let them know. MKJ said that he would be there the whole time. He had to leave for a little while for a wedding he had to play, but would be back as soon as he could. This was going to be simple and easy. They give me a hospital gown and MKJ takes all my stuff.

So there I am in the pre-OP area. All alone. No doctors. No nurses. No one. They come in and say it will take 45 minutes at the most. Ok. They give me something that relaxes me…and that is the last thing I remember.

I wake up and blurrily see my mother. I am burning hot. Yelling and trying to take off my gown. I feel a fan. Thank goodness for that. Once I really wake up I am told by my mother and MKJ that while the doctors were in there, they saw something that made them cut me open. They cut a 7 inch incision, like a C-Section incision. My mother stayed all week.

Many things happened that week. I was discharged that next Thursday, so a five day stay at MUSC. I got the best care while I was there. Let me just say that if MKJ wasn’t working or sleeping, he was at the hospital. Everyone said he sounded scared when he called them. We finally said I love you to each other. My first night at home, even though my mother was sleeping in the other bedroom, MKJ slept on the floor by my bed just in case I needed something. He’s wonderful. He’s everything I always wanted and more. That’s all about him.

Now, I am doing a lot better. I have that incision and two smaller ones from the laparoscope site. I am back at work for a little while but only part time. CCSO has been very understanding about all this. MKJ called them that Monday since I was supposed to go to register at the academy that Wednesday. As of now, it is planned I will start with them on August 17th and go to the academy September 17th. We’ll see how it goes. I am eating better. MKJ and I are much more open to each other about everything (digestion, especially). I haven’t been back to the gym yet, but Kate said to take it really slow. I plan on going next week.

__________________
My best friend and I are having some problems. First she said she wanted to take me out for my birthday. She said she had to work on Saturday, but we could go Friday night. PERFECT. I need to get out of the house. Wonderful. I knew I couldn’t go out but dinner would have been great. Well, Friday about 6:30 she texts me and says she was still hungover from the NIGHT BEFORE, though she had been in bed all day and how about Saturday night (tonight). Well, I just got a text about an hour ago saying, how about tomorrow night. She said, “I know you hate me.” Well, no. I don’t hate her. I am just upset. Hurt. My feelings are dashed. I mean, I know her well enough to know that more than likely she got a better offer for tonight and is going out with them instead. I was online with MKJ while she texted me. OF COURSE I cried. I mean, it hurts. MKJ said something about letting her go, but if I do, that’s my only friend. It makes me upset that I didn’t get into a sorority so I could have real friends. Damnit, I am fun, but she doesn’t give me the chance to be. I texted her back saying that we should do dinner on a night that she knows she can do it. She said she knows she can do it Sunday. All I responded was “ok”. The ball is in her court now. Take it or leave it.

If she leaves it, I’ll be destroyed.

Let Me Live It For Myself

Again, this happened on May 25th--I think it is important to see where we have come from in this process:

He is obviously supportive of the whole sheriff’s deputy thing. And granted, he has worked for them. He has been to the academy. He knows people. He has done all the things I am about to set out to do. The bad thing…he tells me how it is going to be. What it is going to be like. What I am going to do. What I am not going to do. The people that are at the academy. At the sheriff’s office. People I should get to know. Well you know what? THIS IS MY DREAM. LET ME LIVE IT. LEARN FROM IT. AND EXPERIENCE IT FOR MYSELF. If I have a question, I will come to you. I like having a source of information. But let me have this. Let me have this experience. Experience it again for yourself through me. Watch me go through it. Support me through it. Live it again…through me.

I don’t want to be that girlfriend that brings up old shit when we argue or anything so I guess this is the best outlet for all of this. I would hate beyond all hate to turn out to be someone he couldn’t love. All because I love him so much. Even when the above traits get on my nerves. We are made for each other. There are so many things that we are exactly the same on. There are many things that we are opposites on. And that’s ok. That’s healthy. That’s good for us.

He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. We both sacrifice for the relationship. He probably does a little more than I do, since he drives all the way out here to see me/spend the night. It really really means a lot when he comes over on the night before he has to work the next morning. To spend the night. He comes over to go to sleep with me. And he doesn’t get THAT good of sleep here either. This past week, for example, he spent Friday night with me. Saturday night. I took him to the airport Sunday. I picked him up on Monday (which I love--such a good girlfriend duty). Spent the night Monday night. He had to work Wednesday morning--and he spent the night Tuesday night. Had to wake up at 3:40 AM. Jeez. Wednesday night, he came over after I got back from trivia. Granted by the time he got here I was asleep, as I was on Tuesday night as well, all he wanted to do (so it seemed) was fall asleep with me. Thursday we went to dinner but then he went home. That’s a hell of a lot of spending the night. I love it. I love every minute of it. Every minute. The more time we spend together, the more we realize how great we are together.

Yes, he frustrated me tonight and he could tell I got that way and I just said, “Ok. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Bye.” I waited for him to say bye. And then I hung up. GRRRR. It happens. No biggie.

A Little Backgroud First...

I've been keeping a journal for a few months now. So let's catch up first:


Well, someone told me today that I should keep a journal because of what I am trying to accomplish in life right now. I have tried this many times at less poignant times in my life. What makes this time any different? What makes this time more important in my life? Oh yes, I know…

This coming Friday, May 25th, I will (more than likely) be offered my DREAM job. That’s right. DREAM. How many 22 year olds can say that? Hell, how many people in general can say that? Of course, MY dream job is not your dream job. MY dream job is few people’s dream job. It’s dangerous. As my mother so eloquently put it, “I have always taught you to run away from danger. And here you are running into it”. My father said he is so happy for me but at the same time so nervous. My brother just wants to make sure I won’t bust him for his recreational weed.

Let’s talk about how my boyfriend feels about this. He is amazing. I fall in love with him more and more each day that I am with him. Maybe we aren’t together physically everyday, but we at least talk everyday. We are connected…not in the gay, cliché way but we really see most things eye to eye. I try to be a good girlfriend. Sometimes I don’t know if I am but he’s still with me so I guess I am doing alright! At any rate, he has been more supportive throughout this entire process than anyone. He hasn’t known me the longest, but he knows me the closest. Does that make sense? Sure, my best friend knows me very well and honestly walked me through the beginning of all of this but sadly, we don’t get to see each other every day. He has been here for all the times I have freaked out for what he saw as no apparent reason, but in my mind, was a do or die part of life. He has also been there for my triumphs. He was the first one I called when I knew that I was going to get this job. He has held my hand as I start this new journey in life. It wouldn’t be the same without him.

I had to tell the people at the place I currently work that I was leaving before the people called for a reference check. I sat down in the office of the VP of HR and simply said, “Don’t hate me. Next Friday, I will probably be offered my dream job. They are calling today. Don’t hate me.” They were gracious enough to my face to say they couldn’t hate me for following my dream. Which is very true. Again, who can say they have their dream job?! Exactly!