Most Current--we are now up to date--

I have some self esteem problems right now.

The scar from my surgery makes it look like I have a big stomach. I am self conscience around MKJ. VERY. Around friends. Around everyone. I look bad in pants--really bad. It looks like I have an inner tube around me. After talking to Kate tonight about it (since she had the same incision) it is unlikely I will lose it. AWESOME. FANTASTIC. At least my skirts and dresses camouflage it a little.

Feeling this bad about things makes me want to go work out all day long. Any free time I have…like right now. Instead of sitting here, I SHOULD be workout out. Doing something to better myself.

I am so stressed about the academy. There's the secret--I don't have my badge yet, but I am starting on August 17, will be going to the police academy September 17 and will be graduating from there November 16.

I am stressed about shooting--less and less each time we go shoot though. I feel like I am getting better each time. I am stressed about getting back in shape. I am scared SHITLESS about not making the obstacle course the first day at the academy. I failed it once before I got it last time. I know they give us another chance if we don’t make it in the time allotted, but I don’t want to be that girl that doesn’t make it.

I was short with MKJ on the phone earlier. I texted him and apologized for being short with him. I said, “Sorry I am being short with you. I have little confidence and I hate it.” His, oh so eloquent and positive response was, “Get the FUCK over it. You got hired by the best agency in area because you can do it. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and fucking do it.” I know he is trying to be positive. And help. But he isn’t. I need the finesse right now. Not the power. I need him to support me a little more. I really want us to start doing things together--like walking in the afternoons. Hell, I don’t know…something. Anything. It’s always easier with someone else. When I say I am doing this for him, he says for me to do it for myself. Well duh, I am, but I can’t see it that way. I have to see it that I am doing it to make someone else happy. That’s just how I work. How I function.

This is the conversation we just had:

Me: thanks for the confidence.
Me: i need us to start doing stuff together though. seriously. no matter how tired we (ok, you) are.
Me: Even walking.
Me: I need more than a kick in the ass from you.
Me: I need to SEE that you are supportive.
HIM: you are your own goddamned worst enemy
Me: I know.
Me: I know.

He’s right. I hate it, but he’s right. I am my own worst enemy. I do feel sorry for myself sometimes. When I think about how I compare to all the others going to the academy or at least the ones I saw at CCSO, I fail in comparison. Apparently, from what I have been told, when I get there, I will realize that I’ll be just fine, after seeing the people that pass the academy.

I still freak out.