Friendship (again)

DO I NEED A BEST FRIEND? Do I need a best GIRL friend? Yes. No. I mean, you spend so much time with your significant other that they end up becoming your best friend, which is great... Very true. MKJ is my best friend. I guess I never really realized it. I talk to him everyday. We WANT to talk to each other every day. We share everything with each other: work, home life, problems, everything. But still, I want and most importantly, NEED female friends. So many girls my age are still into the whole party scene so much more than I am. I just don’t like that anymore. I would rather have a few people over for dinner. Or go to do something in town. Anything. I just don’t want outings to be centered around drinking and getting drunk. So few girls my age are as settled as I am, which is not a lot to say some days.

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My best friend called me about noon to find out what time and where I wanted to go for dinner. Whatever. Someplace fast and easy. I found out she did go out Friday night instead of dinner with me. Even more upset now. I need to do something to find female friends. I need real, true friends. My self-esteem can’t get any lower right now. Sure, I have MKJ and he does so much for me, but it just isn’t the same.

I need to find something that will introduce me to females that could be true friends. Obviously my current job won’t help me find anyone. CCSO has few females and honestly, they are usually more harsh on other females than the guys are. That doesn’t help. I need to do something. I hate this. I am not even thinking about who will be in my wedding…screw that. I am thinking about who wants to be my friend.

Am I that bad of a person? Not a good friend? Do I not bend over backwards for those I care about? Is me at all? Or that people I choose to be friends with? So many questions, but ha, how ironic, no female friends to talk to this about. I can’t talk to my mother or step mother…they are exactly that: mothers. They will give me the sugar coated version saying I am such a good person and I deserve better. Blah blah blah. That’s not what I need to hear. Or want to hear.

MKJ said I need to re-evaluate our friendship. Well, that is apparent after this. Sure, we have tickets to a local concert. Who is to say that when I give them to her, she won’t turn around get someone else to go instead. Wouldn’t surprise me, honestly, which sucks.

I feel like we are breaking up. I hate this. It’s a three year friendship that is about to be ended. It hurts more than the end of any relationship.