The Letter

In the post before last, I mentioned a guy I work with which whom I have began to have feelings for and vice versa. Well, for some reason, I have a tough time telling him face to face what my feelings are. And what's going on with us. And what I want out of this. And all of that. So, instead of just keeping it all to myself and bullshitting around it when I talk to him (I am like a high school kid again--giggle and not really answering questions)...I wrote it all out. I wrote him a sort of letter. A note. A three page typed memo. I know it sounds so unromantic and selfish and silly, but he has a right to know just as much as I do. And he has already told me his feelings. So it's fair.

He read it in front of me (which I said was ok). And he got done and said, "Wow." He smiled at me like he has never smiled before. Then, of course, he had to go to a call. He told me later that he read it probably 3 more times that day. And he admitted that he is sensitive to what we have going on...and he got a little choked up on it. He said it was a lot of emotion in the note and wasn't expecting it all.

Honestly, my chest was so tight after giving it to him. I couldn't take a deep breath. I tried and tried and it just couldn't happen. I was on the verge of tears. I had no idea why. I told him my chest was tight after giving him the note. And he said his was too...from reading it.

He keeps telling me I have pretty eyes. Yesterday's greatest two texts "by the way, your eyes are by far the most beautiful things I have ever seen". The other one was referring to when we kiss: "When we do, I'm not at work anymore...more like heaven." HOW DO I RESPOND TO THIS??? It makes me want to be with him so much more than I am worth. It hurts. But I love it.

I know I've said it before, but WHY CAN'T I HAVE HIM? Why couldn't I have found him first? I still love my boyfriend will all my heart. To death. Forever. But it's. just. different. . .

Line of Duty Death/Shooting--Orangeburg SC

I forgot to mention, Orangeburg County in SC is like a war zone. In police perspective. Yes, I know, nothing like an ACTUAL war zone.

One deputy shot and killed while on a domestic. The male party went to get clothes to leave and came out with a shotgun and shot him in the neck. The male party's wife ran him over and killed him with the car.

In order to allow those deputies to mourn their loss, Orangeburg County division of the State Highway Patrol (yes, the guys that hit people with their cars) had been covering calls in the area. While on a traffic stop, ANOTHER officer gets shot in the chest (his vest saved his life) and in the arm. He will be ok. He use to work with my agency. He's tough.

Keep us all in your prayers. A tough next few days to follow.

Out of the Blue

Let me start by saying that I love this job. It's been great!! I have seen some of the best and worst of people and I have only begun. I do plan on writing about my experiences on the job, but first, it's time for me to vent some things out.

First, this is not so much of a venting, but it's something I need to get off my chest: EVERYONE (and I mean everyone) that knows me and MJK is asking him and me about why I don't have a ring yet. I know why I don't have one yet and so does he. He knows I'll say yes when he asks, so it's not like he has any doubt. We are waiting until I have been at the Sheriff's Office for a year (August) so I don't have to deal with planning a wedding and having a new job all at once. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I will know everything, much less, anything in a year, but I will have a better grip on things, I believe. I know that he will ask me. We have discussed the holiday season, which we both find completely romantic and wonderful. We are planning to take a trip to NYC to see his family during the Christmas time...so...only time will tell.

Secondly, when it rains, it pours. I'll obviously have to elaborate on this.
I have the wonderful, amazing, great, love of my life.

I have Subject #2 (we'll get back to him later) who has stated that he wishes we had met in college so we could have dated then. Wait, I'll get to this...

I have an exboyfriend who OUT OF THE BLUE, called me the other day just to see how I was doing. When I talked to him, I realized why we broke up (besides catching him cheating).

I have another exboyfriend who just got in touch with me after about 2 years of not keeping in touch, again, out of the blue, to see how I was doing. And to let me know that he had been thinking of me. And wanted to see me for dinner next time he was in town. Oh shit! I talked to him the other night and asked him point blank: Why didn't it work with us before? He had a few good answers, but he said, "None of those matter now. What matters is that some of the happiest moments of my recent history have been with you. And I want those back. And I want you back. Those reasons were excuses then but now they don't apply." Fucking awesome.

I have a guy I "dated" for a few months in college who was older, getting through a divorce, tons of money, a gorgeous house, etc. etc. etc. He moved to Albany (to be closer to family/kids). OUT OF THE BLUE, he calls. Says he is moving back to town and wants to see if I want to grab a drink when he gets settled in. Fucking awesome shit.

Mind you, all of these MEN are fully aware of my relationship with MJK and even ask about it on a regular basis now. They know I am taken. Damnit, where was all of this when I needed a self-esteem booster??

_______________________________________________________

Ok, back to Subject #2. I'll come up with a better nickname. Give me time.

This is hard to explain. I think. Maybe it won't be.

We work together. Yes, I know. Don't fuck around with anyone you work with. I have heard the horror stories and all. I know it's bad. I know it's wrong. I know. I know. I know. Honestly, he's EVERYTHING I have ever wanted in a man. Again, don't get me wrong, I love MJK, but it's just different. Maybe that's what it is...it's just different. It's like getting those butterflies when you start dating someone that you really like...for someone you aren't dating. It's so intense. He put it perfectly: It's like we are just starting to date. The intensity level is outrageous and all we want to do is hang out. I pointed out to him that we do spend 12 hours a day, 40 hours a week together, but he said that it didn't count since we were working.

He said yesterday, "I can't keep my eyes off of you, in case you didn't notice." WTF?! What else can I do when a wonderful man says that to me...but just blush...and smile...and hit save on my text messages. He thinks I'm beautiful. He tells me this. And this is one of the weaknesses of my relationship with MJK-he doesn't compliment me. He doesn't do that whole positive reinforcement thing. It's all negative with him. He says it is because he went to military/all boys schools all of his life (granted) and that he only has male siblings (not granted).

Did I mention he was married too? I know. Even worse. I don't want to be that woman. And I have been before. And I hated it. And I know this sounds so cliche, but IT FEELS DIFFERENT. I don't feel like the "other woman". Granted, no matter what, his wife would see me as that, but that is not the issue. The issue is that we are falling for each other but our hearts are already given to someone else. We both admitted our feelings today.

I told him "I hate myself for wanting something so badly when I knew I could never have it in the first place." He agreed completely. And we keep saying, "I wish we had met in college." We had a lot of the same friends and I am thinking that we probably did meet but I (as well as him, I am sure) was a totally different person than I am today. He wouldn't have wanted to date me when I was in college.

We aren't just all talk. We steal kisses when we can. We text like crazy during the day. We steal little touches and winks and pursed lips at each other (stupid, I know, thanks). When we all eat together as a squad, we sit next to each other and make sure our legs touch. We sit with our cars parked in opposite directions (you know how cops do) and hold hands. And smile. And giggle (ok, that's me). And laugh.

It's hard to see each other on day shift since everyone really runs by themselves. But on night shift, we run in at least pairs, so it's much easier. And no one seems to think anything when I pair up with one of the guys because, I am the only female on the squad.

I don't know what to do right now. I mean, it isn't like he would leave his wife. And I don't want him to. It doesn't seem like it can go anywhere and it be good. He said today, when we decided that we needed to talk about this (it's been going on since the end of the last month), "I know how to start this conversation, but I am not sure how to end it." He told me he knew to tell me how he felt about me. And to find out my intentions in this. And to express his. And then that was it...we don't really know where to go from here. We've never done this before.

I don't need advice, but I'll take come (kindly) if you have any. But come on, nothing mean or bitchy. I know this is bad, but sometimes, you just can't stop...

Funny Story

I read a blog that belongs to a man who has Crohn's and he's funny. Very funny. Here is a great story he wrote about:

Let me transport you too a chilly winter night in the early winter. Must have been about 1998. I am living in Connecticut and decide to take a girl I was dating into the city for a night on the town. We enjoy a nice dinner at Gramercy Tavern (strange how many details I remember from this night). We are walking to a play (Rent..UGH) and I innocently try to slip a fart past a turd. Well, I failed miserably and propelled a liquidy stream down my right leg.

Thank the good lord for my 3/4 length suede jacket, which mostly hides the damage. While it isn't too obvious to others, I still have issues to deal with. Great, now what? As panic start to step in, I coolly collect myself and begin to formulate a plan. I will use my Swiss Army Knife to cut my underwear off! BRILLIANT! But wait, the keys jingling are going to give me away. So before I set about this operation, I remove the knife from the key chain. I open it up, slide my hand down the side of Gap Khakis.

Over the course of several blocks and 15 minutes, all while maintaining a conversation on how great the meal was, how awesome Savage Garden and BackStreet Boys are (hey its 1998) I proceed to cut my FAVORITE BOXERS off. And no..despite discussing Backstreet and going to see Rent...I am not gay. So anyhow, I am making progress. It takes another block while I shake, wiggle and shimmy until I smoothly expel the soiled underpants out my pants let and onto the sidewalk in front of a Chinese takeout restaurant!

I look back longingly at my trusty (and dirty) friends, and briefly wonder if I should fess up just so I can rescue them from the feet that will surely trample them (Honey, did you step in dog poo?). Begrudgingly I forge ahead, all the while wondering if I will ever be able to replace them. Never once did my date figure it out. Believe it or not, I went on to marry this woman. Maybe this shitty date should have been a sign of things to come....but that's another story for another blog.

I guess you have to understand Crohn's. And no, I have never shit my pants.

Wow, I've been a slacker on keeping this up to date

Well, allow me to apologize for not maintaining my site. It's been a crazy few months.

September: Went to the police academy. Met some great people. I did great on my first three tests. Then week four came...

October: Week four: driving and firearms qualifications. Let me say, I kicked some butt on driving. We had to drive the course between 4:00 and 4:30. I did it in 4:03. The fastest times for the females! Firearms: I failed. Yeah, I failed. Horrible day. Never felt like I had let so many people down in my life. I will tell you one thing, the girls I had met there were wonderful...they took my keys from me and packed up my car while I was in the office doing the un-registration paperwork. I will always love them for that.

November: I was in training, waiting for a spot to open up at the academy for me to go back.

December: Went back! Aced firearms (200/220). Met more people who were just as great.

January 11th, 2008: I graduated from the academy. Both sets of parents came. And so did my best friend and her fiance! It was great! And of course my wonderful boyfriend was there too! I have never seen him so proud! It was a wonderful feeling.

I have been in training since graduation and up until March 11th. I had my release board and was set out on my own. OH MY GOSH, are they sure they know what they are doing??! HA.

I have been at Radar Certification class the last two days too.

Ok, I know it's been a very rough catch up, but it's pretty accurate. Yes, I saw some great things while I was in training (shootings, fights, assaults, CDV, good stuff like that) but now it is my turn to see it on my own.

I'll try to keep this more up to date. I promise. Don't hate me!

Take care and be safe out there!!!