Out of the Blue

Let me start by saying that I love this job. It's been great!! I have seen some of the best and worst of people and I have only begun. I do plan on writing about my experiences on the job, but first, it's time for me to vent some things out.

First, this is not so much of a venting, but it's something I need to get off my chest: EVERYONE (and I mean everyone) that knows me and MJK is asking him and me about why I don't have a ring yet. I know why I don't have one yet and so does he. He knows I'll say yes when he asks, so it's not like he has any doubt. We are waiting until I have been at the Sheriff's Office for a year (August) so I don't have to deal with planning a wedding and having a new job all at once. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I will know everything, much less, anything in a year, but I will have a better grip on things, I believe. I know that he will ask me. We have discussed the holiday season, which we both find completely romantic and wonderful. We are planning to take a trip to NYC to see his family during the Christmas time...so...only time will tell.

Secondly, when it rains, it pours. I'll obviously have to elaborate on this.
I have the wonderful, amazing, great, love of my life.

I have Subject #2 (we'll get back to him later) who has stated that he wishes we had met in college so we could have dated then. Wait, I'll get to this...

I have an exboyfriend who OUT OF THE BLUE, called me the other day just to see how I was doing. When I talked to him, I realized why we broke up (besides catching him cheating).

I have another exboyfriend who just got in touch with me after about 2 years of not keeping in touch, again, out of the blue, to see how I was doing. And to let me know that he had been thinking of me. And wanted to see me for dinner next time he was in town. Oh shit! I talked to him the other night and asked him point blank: Why didn't it work with us before? He had a few good answers, but he said, "None of those matter now. What matters is that some of the happiest moments of my recent history have been with you. And I want those back. And I want you back. Those reasons were excuses then but now they don't apply." Fucking awesome.

I have a guy I "dated" for a few months in college who was older, getting through a divorce, tons of money, a gorgeous house, etc. etc. etc. He moved to Albany (to be closer to family/kids). OUT OF THE BLUE, he calls. Says he is moving back to town and wants to see if I want to grab a drink when he gets settled in. Fucking awesome shit.

Mind you, all of these MEN are fully aware of my relationship with MJK and even ask about it on a regular basis now. They know I am taken. Damnit, where was all of this when I needed a self-esteem booster??

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Ok, back to Subject #2. I'll come up with a better nickname. Give me time.

This is hard to explain. I think. Maybe it won't be.

We work together. Yes, I know. Don't fuck around with anyone you work with. I have heard the horror stories and all. I know it's bad. I know it's wrong. I know. I know. I know. Honestly, he's EVERYTHING I have ever wanted in a man. Again, don't get me wrong, I love MJK, but it's just different. Maybe that's what it is...it's just different. It's like getting those butterflies when you start dating someone that you really like...for someone you aren't dating. It's so intense. He put it perfectly: It's like we are just starting to date. The intensity level is outrageous and all we want to do is hang out. I pointed out to him that we do spend 12 hours a day, 40 hours a week together, but he said that it didn't count since we were working.

He said yesterday, "I can't keep my eyes off of you, in case you didn't notice." WTF?! What else can I do when a wonderful man says that to me...but just blush...and smile...and hit save on my text messages. He thinks I'm beautiful. He tells me this. And this is one of the weaknesses of my relationship with MJK-he doesn't compliment me. He doesn't do that whole positive reinforcement thing. It's all negative with him. He says it is because he went to military/all boys schools all of his life (granted) and that he only has male siblings (not granted).

Did I mention he was married too? I know. Even worse. I don't want to be that woman. And I have been before. And I hated it. And I know this sounds so cliche, but IT FEELS DIFFERENT. I don't feel like the "other woman". Granted, no matter what, his wife would see me as that, but that is not the issue. The issue is that we are falling for each other but our hearts are already given to someone else. We both admitted our feelings today.

I told him "I hate myself for wanting something so badly when I knew I could never have it in the first place." He agreed completely. And we keep saying, "I wish we had met in college." We had a lot of the same friends and I am thinking that we probably did meet but I (as well as him, I am sure) was a totally different person than I am today. He wouldn't have wanted to date me when I was in college.

We aren't just all talk. We steal kisses when we can. We text like crazy during the day. We steal little touches and winks and pursed lips at each other (stupid, I know, thanks). When we all eat together as a squad, we sit next to each other and make sure our legs touch. We sit with our cars parked in opposite directions (you know how cops do) and hold hands. And smile. And giggle (ok, that's me). And laugh.

It's hard to see each other on day shift since everyone really runs by themselves. But on night shift, we run in at least pairs, so it's much easier. And no one seems to think anything when I pair up with one of the guys because, I am the only female on the squad.

I don't know what to do right now. I mean, it isn't like he would leave his wife. And I don't want him to. It doesn't seem like it can go anywhere and it be good. He said today, when we decided that we needed to talk about this (it's been going on since the end of the last month), "I know how to start this conversation, but I am not sure how to end it." He told me he knew to tell me how he felt about me. And to find out my intentions in this. And to express his. And then that was it...we don't really know where to go from here. We've never done this before.

I don't need advice, but I'll take come (kindly) if you have any. But come on, nothing mean or bitchy. I know this is bad, but sometimes, you just can't stop...