The Letter

In the post before last, I mentioned a guy I work with which whom I have began to have feelings for and vice versa. Well, for some reason, I have a tough time telling him face to face what my feelings are. And what's going on with us. And what I want out of this. And all of that. So, instead of just keeping it all to myself and bullshitting around it when I talk to him (I am like a high school kid again--giggle and not really answering questions)...I wrote it all out. I wrote him a sort of letter. A note. A three page typed memo. I know it sounds so unromantic and selfish and silly, but he has a right to know just as much as I do. And he has already told me his feelings. So it's fair.

He read it in front of me (which I said was ok). And he got done and said, "Wow." He smiled at me like he has never smiled before. Then, of course, he had to go to a call. He told me later that he read it probably 3 more times that day. And he admitted that he is sensitive to what we have going on...and he got a little choked up on it. He said it was a lot of emotion in the note and wasn't expecting it all.

Honestly, my chest was so tight after giving it to him. I couldn't take a deep breath. I tried and tried and it just couldn't happen. I was on the verge of tears. I had no idea why. I told him my chest was tight after giving him the note. And he said his was too...from reading it.

He keeps telling me I have pretty eyes. Yesterday's greatest two texts "by the way, your eyes are by far the most beautiful things I have ever seen". The other one was referring to when we kiss: "When we do, I'm not at work anymore...more like heaven." HOW DO I RESPOND TO THIS??? It makes me want to be with him so much more than I am worth. It hurts. But I love it.

I know I've said it before, but WHY CAN'T I HAVE HIM? Why couldn't I have found him first? I still love my boyfriend will all my heart. To death. Forever. But it's. just. different. . .