Spinning and Crying.

Spin class was great yesterday. I have only done it one other time and I liked it then too. Kate was the instructor and she really knows how to get your blood pressure going and her music is just great. I could go on and on about it. I do have to admit that as great as it was, I had to stop about 40 minutes into it. My ankles were killing me...they were practically black. I just can't chance an injury right now. Speaking of injuries...my butt is killing me from class. Some people get those special shorts or a special seat cover, but I don't know if I am that dedicated. I guess it couldn't hurt since I can barely sit/move/cuugh/breathe without being reminded of spin class last night.

My father and I spoke last night. He has little faith...in me. Or my disease. Or treatment. Whatever his doubt, he made me upset on the phone. We talked about my treatment options. One has the possibility of more side effects and takes longer in the initial stages but it starts working faster (which we need). The other one is self injecting but it could be up to 4 weeks before I see any change (time of which I do not have). He actually asked if I could push back my academy date--NO! I could lose my spot with the Sheriff's Office. MKJ and I talked later. He knew my dad upset me. He asked if I thought I could just tough it out up at the academy--soaking and wrapping my ankles every night on top of studying for each week's test. I said yes. He said he thought I could too.

We just have to make sure my doctors know the magnitude of all of this. I have to be able to give them 110% starting August 17th. I will have another month after before I go to the academy. I will be on the streets as early as the week of the 20th--so I need to be able to wear boots and with the way my ankles are at the end of the day, it is hard to see that happening. Today, I am trying to let my ankles get a little swollen so I can take a picture for my doctor to see. He doesn't see them at the end of the day...my appointments are always in the morning. He has no idea of the pain I go through. He even said it himself that the spots on my ankles are rare to see. He thinks he knows, but he has no idea!

It's almost 10:30, thank goodness. That means I am just that much closer to getting out of here for the day. I have to go to the DMV to get an updated driving record for the Sheriff's Office and pick up some paperwork for my physical on Friday (both are aparently a little outdated). Good thing our DMV lines are shorter now.

HAVE A GREAT DAY!

Things went well at the doctor's office. He said that I would start my drugs this coming Wednesday...the first day of the rest of my life. MKJ is going with me so I can make sure all the information is understood. I know there will be a lot of it.

My ankles hurt so much. It's from the Crohn's. Hopefully, once I start with the drug treatment it will go away. It has to. I have to be in top shape to start the academy. I need to be in top shape to start at the Sheriff's Office. They will qualify me with my gun, get me in uniform and put me on the street as soon as possible. I need to be able to run, walk, and stand in boots all day long. It kills my ankles in those boots.
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This weekend was great. MKJ and I spent it on IOP, as usual. We went to see a concert Friday night at the Windjammer. We went on the boat Saturday with another couple and of course it was the worst weather ever. It rained just about the whole time. It was not sunny one bit! OH well. That night, we went out downtown to see some friends of ours. It was great to see them. Sunday, we went to brunch at the Harbour Club and his mother joined us. As usual, I drank one too many Mimosas and took a nap that afternoon.

Wednesday starts my drugs. Friday is my physical (again) for the Sheriff's Office. Next Monday is my Colonoscopy--Don't be jealous!! The 9th is my last day at work...GOOD RIDDANCE. Just getting antsy about leaving. I know what awaits and it is killing me not to be there already.

I am working out still. It's tough since I have a "complex" now...with the bump that was created from the surgery. Kate, my trainer, said it won't go away. I am hoping some of it will as I lose weight. It has to go away some. I mean, its just soooooo ugly. I feel so fat and ugly sometimes. My pants don't fit right anymore because of it. It looks like I have a inner-tube around my stomach, a small one though. But still, I know it is going to look horrible in my uniform. I know how high they come up on my waist and there is no way to hide it. I just feel ugly with it. I know I sound all vain and silly, but I feel good until I glance down and see it there...MKJ still tells me I am him "pretty girl". Without him, I don't know what my mental state would be. I mean, he is awesome. Like I said before, Kate has helped so much too. She knows EXACTLY how I feel in regards to all of this. She has been there. She has gone through it. MKJ listens to me, but she helps in a different way. Love you Kate !!

Have a great day! Time for spin class with Kate! KICKING MY BUTT!

The Gym and a Follow-up Appointment

Today was my first day back with my trainer at the gym. It felt good. She had a C-Section so her incision and mine are the same. She knows my limitations but she also is fully aware of my goals. She knows what I have to accomplish at the academy. It’s nice to have someone to push me but know my limits.

I ran for the first time since surgery. Granted, it was for only 5 minutes, but still, I have to start somewhere. I also was on the elliptical for 30 minutes. And back on the treadmill for another 15 minutes. Not too bad. Then the trainer and I did weights. Again, it just felt SO good.

It really motivates me after a work out. I WANT to eat good. I WANT to do it again. I WANT to be able to sweat like that the next day. I WANT to be able to run again. I love it.

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I have a follow up appointment tomorrow morning. At first, I thought I had to be put asleep and them put some scope down my throat. Well, I talked to one of the nurses and I was informed that all I had to do was drink a formula (while there, not the day before like a colonoscopy). I asked the nurse if I needed to bring someone with me to drive. He said no. And I asked him if he was sure. He said yes.

Ok. Great! No anesthesia! I told MKJ via text message:

To him: The guy said it was just drinking some solution and then taking pictures. Just like when I was in the ER.
Him: So it is not endoscopy…no tubes down the throat.
To him: I know that now. Bt that is what I thought it was originally.
Him: Gotcha…I would like to go to the eye doctor. (He was saying something about needing to go soon.)
Me: Then do it. (Can you tell I was a little agitated?)

It picked up later in the afternoon:
Him: May stay here tonight…what are we doing tomorrow? (He was referring to accompanying me to my appointment.)
Me: Figured you would. Dinner. (Dinner was the answer for what we are doing tomorrow.)
Him: No on dinner, but yes on plans tomorrow and leaving from your house. (He has to go out of town early Wednesday.)
Me: I meant dinner tomorrow.
Him: I’ll call you in a bit.

I think he knows I am pissed. All of a sudden, as soon as he knows I don’t have to be put under, he thinks he doesn’t have to go. Well, actually, he doesn’t HAVE to go. But I continually get nervous going to those things. I mean, it could be bad news. It could be good news. I guess I just want someone to share it with. I have a feeling that the conversation will go like this, “No, you don’t have to go with me tomorrow. It’s ok.” “OK, I won’t.” UGH! Oh well.

I guess I just need to put on my big girl panties on and deal with it. I can do that. Already over it and it hasn’t even happened.

Pearl

Ok, something completely not related to police work except laughing...




And

my FAVORITE:


Have a good laugh!

Agility Test

I have thought a lot about this today and I know I can do it. Without a doubt. Here is the course.
I am not as worried about it. I have done it before. I know what to expect.

The window is a lot shallower than it looks. I promise. Though that guy doesn't look winded, he is. It's physically demanding. It's a killer!!

After all, if this guy can pass a police agility test, then I can too.

Work hard, play hard. THE REWARD IS GREAT!!!

Most Current--we are now up to date--

I have some self esteem problems right now.

The scar from my surgery makes it look like I have a big stomach. I am self conscience around MKJ. VERY. Around friends. Around everyone. I look bad in pants--really bad. It looks like I have an inner tube around me. After talking to Kate tonight about it (since she had the same incision) it is unlikely I will lose it. AWESOME. FANTASTIC. At least my skirts and dresses camouflage it a little.

Feeling this bad about things makes me want to go work out all day long. Any free time I have…like right now. Instead of sitting here, I SHOULD be workout out. Doing something to better myself.

I am so stressed about the academy. There's the secret--I don't have my badge yet, but I am starting on August 17, will be going to the police academy September 17 and will be graduating from there November 16.

I am stressed about shooting--less and less each time we go shoot though. I feel like I am getting better each time. I am stressed about getting back in shape. I am scared SHITLESS about not making the obstacle course the first day at the academy. I failed it once before I got it last time. I know they give us another chance if we don’t make it in the time allotted, but I don’t want to be that girl that doesn’t make it.

I was short with MKJ on the phone earlier. I texted him and apologized for being short with him. I said, “Sorry I am being short with you. I have little confidence and I hate it.” His, oh so eloquent and positive response was, “Get the FUCK over it. You got hired by the best agency in area because you can do it. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and fucking do it.” I know he is trying to be positive. And help. But he isn’t. I need the finesse right now. Not the power. I need him to support me a little more. I really want us to start doing things together--like walking in the afternoons. Hell, I don’t know…something. Anything. It’s always easier with someone else. When I say I am doing this for him, he says for me to do it for myself. Well duh, I am, but I can’t see it that way. I have to see it that I am doing it to make someone else happy. That’s just how I work. How I function.

This is the conversation we just had:

Me: thanks for the confidence.
Me: i need us to start doing stuff together though. seriously. no matter how tired we (ok, you) are.
Me: Even walking.
Me: I need more than a kick in the ass from you.
Me: I need to SEE that you are supportive.
HIM: you are your own goddamned worst enemy
Me: I know.
Me: I know.

He’s right. I hate it, but he’s right. I am my own worst enemy. I do feel sorry for myself sometimes. When I think about how I compare to all the others going to the academy or at least the ones I saw at CCSO, I fail in comparison. Apparently, from what I have been told, when I get there, I will realize that I’ll be just fine, after seeing the people that pass the academy.

I still freak out.

Friendship (again)

DO I NEED A BEST FRIEND? Do I need a best GIRL friend? Yes. No. I mean, you spend so much time with your significant other that they end up becoming your best friend, which is great... Very true. MKJ is my best friend. I guess I never really realized it. I talk to him everyday. We WANT to talk to each other every day. We share everything with each other: work, home life, problems, everything. But still, I want and most importantly, NEED female friends. So many girls my age are still into the whole party scene so much more than I am. I just don’t like that anymore. I would rather have a few people over for dinner. Or go to do something in town. Anything. I just don’t want outings to be centered around drinking and getting drunk. So few girls my age are as settled as I am, which is not a lot to say some days.

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My best friend called me about noon to find out what time and where I wanted to go for dinner. Whatever. Someplace fast and easy. I found out she did go out Friday night instead of dinner with me. Even more upset now. I need to do something to find female friends. I need real, true friends. My self-esteem can’t get any lower right now. Sure, I have MKJ and he does so much for me, but it just isn’t the same.

I need to find something that will introduce me to females that could be true friends. Obviously my current job won’t help me find anyone. CCSO has few females and honestly, they are usually more harsh on other females than the guys are. That doesn’t help. I need to do something. I hate this. I am not even thinking about who will be in my wedding…screw that. I am thinking about who wants to be my friend.

Am I that bad of a person? Not a good friend? Do I not bend over backwards for those I care about? Is me at all? Or that people I choose to be friends with? So many questions, but ha, how ironic, no female friends to talk to this about. I can’t talk to my mother or step mother…they are exactly that: mothers. They will give me the sugar coated version saying I am such a good person and I deserve better. Blah blah blah. That’s not what I need to hear. Or want to hear.

MKJ said I need to re-evaluate our friendship. Well, that is apparent after this. Sure, we have tickets to a local concert. Who is to say that when I give them to her, she won’t turn around get someone else to go instead. Wouldn’t surprise me, honestly, which sucks.

I feel like we are breaking up. I hate this. It’s a three year friendship that is about to be ended. It hurts more than the end of any relationship.